Category — Emotional Menopause Symptoms

The Big M Wisdom © lynette sheppard

I clicked on a tweet (on Twitter) the other day promising to answer our questions about menopause. And got the same old rhetoric that I’ve read countless times in books, in articles, on websites. Finally, I gotta comment and reanswer each question as a true menopause goddess. I’m tired of the B.S. I’m not picking on any one site or author (which is why I won’t include the link to this particular Q & A article.) I’m addressing all of them that put this kind of information out for women. Below are their questions and answers in plain text, my answer is in bold. And I do mean BOLD!

The info started with:
Are you or a loved one approaching the time of life many women fear — menopause? If so, you probably have questions about this sensitive subject.

Well, we didn’t, I’m sorry to say. We didn’t know it would be so momentous. So it caught us completely by surprise (read mind-numbing shock). But once it started? You bet your sweet bippy we had questions! And we sure wanted answers!

Here are 6 answers to help you go through menopause as comfortably as possible:

Oh Goody. Let’s hear them.

1. Why is menopause a puzzling time of life?

Before reaching the change of life, many women don’t know what to expect. That can be scary! There are horror stories floating around that can make women unnecessarily apprehensive, but you need to know that menopause is a normal part of your journey through life.

Oh sweetie. Menopause IS a freaking horror story. For most women who haven’t started immediately with hormones anyway.
Of course, it’s NORMAL. Puberty and childbirth are NORMAL, tsunamis and volcanic eruptions are NORMAL, but that doesn’t make them any easier to take. Especially if we don’t know what is coming!!

2. At about what age does menopause begin?
Most women cease having periods between the ages of 45 to 55. However, menopause can be induced earlier by surgery.

Yeah, well perimenopause can start years earlier. And for many women the symptoms start or are the worst in perimenopause. So you’d better amend those ages. And let me say that I talk to women in their sixties still dealing with it, so 55 sounds like a nice cutoff but it just ain’t always so. So the answer to this question? Whenever it wants to!

3. What are some of the symptoms?

During the early stages of menopause, called perimenopause, a woman’s menstrual cycle becomes irregular. When menopause has been completed, a woman no longer has periods at all. One of the most widespread symptoms of menopause is hot flashes and a high percentage of menopausal women have them. Some women experience feelings of depression while they are going through menopause and mood swings can accompany the change of life.

There is so much understatement here that I almost don’t know where to begin. Let me start with hot flashes. Widespread symptom? High percentage have them? Allow me to explain. Hot flashes are not short private vacations in the tropics. Because vacations are enjoyable. Think of the worst flu fever you’ve ever had – now quadruple it. And you’re not even close to how bad it is.

Depression and mood swings? We have more ups and downs than Six Flags. Tire commercials can move us to tears and the sound of the refrigerator or our cat breathing can piss us off. And again, none of the fun.

4. What about hair loss during and after menopause?

Hair loss sometimes occurs to some women with the aging process. This is one of the most distressing side effects of menopause. However, there are a lot of women who don’t lose their hair during this transitional period in their lives. Some women have higher levels of the hormones that cause hair thinning. If you are experiencing hair loss, you should check with your doctor about treatment options.

Having been one of the “some women”, I can tell you that yes that losing your hair is distressing. As in I was afraid I would be bald soon!   It’s actually terrifying.

As for checking with my doctor about treatment options? I consulted with more than one physician. They were less helpful than the DMV and ten times as expensive. Like us, they have no experience with menopause that hasn’t been squelched by immediate hormone therapy. If I had to depend on them, I’d still be freaking out. Or bald. Or both. (For more info, search hair loss here on the blog. Or write me.)

5. Are there any special nutrition recommendations for women going through menopause?

You might want to consider adding soy products to your diet to assist your estrogen levels. Be sure to get enough vitamin A to help your skin and hair to be as healthy as possible. Health food stores offer a variety of herbal extracts to help with menopausal symptoms.

Hmmmmmm special nutrition recommendations. Other than you can’t eat anything every again without gaining weight? Oh yeah, soy is one of the top food allergens, and can interfere with thyroid function. Since everything you eat turns to fat, might as well make chocolate your main food group. And wine. Lots of wine.

6. What medical help is available while you’re going through menopause?

Your doctor may prescribe treatment options to help lessen disturbing side effects of the change of life.

A combination of estrogen and progestin may be recommended by your doctor — if you don’t have a history of breast cancer in your family. There are treatments to help you if you are suffering from hot flashes that disturb your sleep and other symptoms as well

Or s/he might prescribe antidepressants, the latest “magic” cure for The Big M. I highly recommend holistic or complementary physicians/nurse practitioners who look at the whole person and don’t start with either HRT (hormone replacement therapy) or antidepressants as the first (sometimes only) approach. Check out Holistic Medical Association or Women In Balance to find a practitioner near you.

Although cessation of menstruation can be a puzzling time dreaded by many women, there are a number of advantages to this period of your life’s story. It’s a new chapter opening before you! You will probably be able to enjoy greater freedom than ever before to pursue interests you could not pursue before because of family responsibilities. Why not investigate new opportunities and challenges in this new chapter of your life!

While this is true, it doesn’t compute when we are in the beginning or worst stages of The Big M. There are few things worse than perky, upbeat proclamations about how this is the best time of our lives. Eventually it may be. (It certainly is for the goddesses.) But we went through a few RIDICULOUS years before we came out the other side feeling whole again. Different, but whole. Menopause. It will set you free but it will really mess with you first.

Yesterday, our new rescue dog chewed through the irrigation hose. One of our cats has a mouth infection requiring antibiotics and special food prep, while the other feline family member was screaming at the top of his lungs for no apparent reason. To add to the general household bedlam, the phone was ringing off the hook, the dock informed us that our new-old car shipped from the mainland needed to be picked up, and Dewitt got the news that his knee injury is a torn medial meniscus, which will require surgical repair.

All this was a recipe for menopausal meltdown. My usual equanimity just flat out deserted me. I collapsed in on myself with the gravitational pull of a black hole.

“Are you okay?” asked my hubby, Dewitt. Instead of answering with the usual “Fine,” or “I’ll get over it,” I shared (read spewed forth) my feelings of overwhelm. He listened sympathetically (BTW,a GREAT thing to do for your goddess, men). “Well, just remember, you don’t have to do it all or do it alone. We’re a team here.” was his sage response.

The weird thing is that I immediately felt better. The black hole continued to shrink throughout the day and was completely dissolved in my evening medicinal red wine. I forget that I don’t have to carry all the weight of my feelings of overwhelm, sadness, or general freakout alone. I don’t have to “protect” my husband, even when he is injured or not doing so well himself.

Here’s the thing: misery may love company, but when said company is allied against it, it slinks off to bother someone else. I’ve usually been good at sharing my flip-out times with my girlfriends, but have rarely shared them with family. What’s that about? Being strong? Suffering in silence? Creating calm even when I don’t feel it inside? Because??????????????

Okay, I never make New Year’s resolutions, but I’ll make an exception. I’ll share my feelings with my mate from now on as well as my girlfriends. Supermom doesn’t live at this house anymore. A Menopause Goddess does. And some days, it’ll be a little more Menopause and a little less Goddess. But it will be real. And it will be shared.

Lately, I’ve been getting as much mail from men whose mates, moms, and menopausal female pals are looking like a puzzle they just can’t figure out. So for them, I’m offering a few small tips for dealing with us while we are going through the Change.

#1 Choose Your Words Carefully
While you are tippytoeing on those eggshells, here are a few phrases that will get you on your way with the least amount of breakage:

“I love you.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Have you lost weight?”

I’m forever grateful to Shellie Rushing Tomlinson of All Things Southern for sharing these gems. Check out her video on Hot Flashes and Mood Swings in the August 3 blog post of this year “Gotta Love Those Southern Menopause Goddesses” to further understand why you can’t say these three phrases too much.

My own hubby, Dewitt, often sounds like a well-trained parrot as he trots these out over and over. Do I mind his constant repetition? No I don’t. It doesn’t matter how or why he is saying it, just that he is. It’s a way for him to express to me that he knows I’m having a menopause moment. Or year. Or two.

#2 Don’t help. Listen.
We know that it is a man’s nature to want to help in situations where damsels are indeed in distress. However, I can assure you that unless you can magically change our very DNA or make it rain female hormones on command, there is nearly nothing you can do to help. Except listen. Without speaking. And maybe handing us a cool damp cloth for our fiery forehead when we start to sweat like pigs.

#3 Surprise us with housework

I came home today from lunch out with two of the Venuses. I looked at the kitchen sink where I’d left the stack of dirty dishes only to find them washed and air-drying in the drainer.

This is guaranteed to get us right in the heart. And sometimes even in other sensitive places, where our libido has hung a sign reading “On Vacation, Indefinitely.” Yep, porn for women is men doing chores without asking what needs to be done (that is a key part – if we have to tell you what to do, the surprise factor is pretty much lost. As are points.)

The other night, Dewitt jumped up and dried dishes that I was washing, after throwing in the laundry. I gotta tell you, he never looked sexier to me. Hmmmmmmm, housework as aphrodisiac.

#4 Preemptive mood strikes

Along with the aforementioned three mission critical phrases, offering chocolate, neck rubs, wine, and the TV remote are effective mood enhancers that can smooth out some of the emotional swings before they happen. And if they do occur? It’s less likely that you’ll be caught in the crossfire.

These are enough to get you started. Heck, if you only implemented the advice in these four simple tips, you’d be well on your way to being the ideal menopause goddess mate, friend, or companion. We’d love you for it.

Photo for this blog posting is the cover of a fabulous, fun book called Porn for Women. Photographed by Susan Anderson, From the Cambridge Women’s Pornography Cooperative, published by Chronicle Books of San Francisco.

My husband once remarked that it was a wonder that more couples don’t get divorced during the  Big M transition. And certainly it’s true that if we who are undergoing this forced journey don’t understand much of what’s occurring, our mates and loved ones are left completely befuddled.

The combination of physical changes and emotional changes can put a strain on the most loving relationship. Loss of libido, depression and apathy, irritation with everything your loved ones say and do, fatigue, hypersensitivity to noise, temperature, and touch are just a few of the manifestations of this hormonal rollercoaster ride.

Christiane Northrup, author of The Wisdom of Menopause, starts her book of 500+ pages with this sentence “It is no secret that relationship crises are a common side effect of menopause.”

Okay, well it may not have been an intentionally kept secret, but I sure never heard anything about this. (Or any other of the myriad manifestations of the hormonal sh*tstorm we call the Big M.) And I’m a registered nurse for pity’s sake.

Dr. Northrup goes on to elucidate that whatever is wrong or dysfunctional in your relationships will be greatly exacerbated by menopause. I think that is true.

However, in all my talks and sharings with menopause goddesses and their loved ones, I’m finding that a huge amount of upheaval can exist in the most functional relationships.
The Venuses spent a significant part of every meeting focusing on our primary relationships. Suddenly sexual desire disappears. We may not have leisure time interests in common with our spouses. The kids are no longer a focus.  How then do we connect with one another?

And now our intimates want to spend more time with us (the men are changing, too, don’t forget.) We are just beginning to explore our creativity and may want to spend more time alone or with girlfriends  How do we reconcile these needs with our desire to be connected with our loved one?

It has been all too easy to assume that every freakout or episode of bitchiness is hormonal – “oh she’s just going through menopause”  rather than a legitimate reaction to circumstances.

Additionally, deeper difficulties may be brewing or problems long ignored have just come to the surface.

However, it is just as deluded to assume that this sea change isn’t hormonal. Especially if the change is fairly dramatic, seemingly without warning.

Theresa and I found that we went from zero to sixty on the irritation meter in seconds during the worst of our transition. Talking with the other Venuses showed us that we were not alone.

It became clear to us that we needed to ascertain when our anger was a legitimate problem, a true trampling of our boundaries versus a hormonal side effect. Let me tell you truthfully, it can really be hard to discern the difference.

Looking backward, I can offer this advice. Proceed with caution and take it slow. We found that irritation might flare up in a circumstance that we could certainly rationalize as being justifiable anger. But we often decided not to act or say anything right away. We mused. We waited. We paused.

If we were still pissed off in a few hours, we reevaluated and decided on a plan of action for confronting and discussing the problem. If our irritation had literally vanished, we knew that hormones might have played a part. And we let it go.  No harm, no foul.  Especially no harm. To us or anyone else.

(A little history sidenote here – none of the Venuses is a shrinking violet, unused to sharing her feelings, including anger. If you have always contained your anger and irritation, this may not be the best plan for you. You may need to let some anger out. After all, some Change is good!)

And some good news.  The worst of the emotional and hormonal upheaval seems to last around two years, give or take a year. So be patient. Get to know your irritation levels; when they require intervention and when they don’t. Warn your loved ones when you feel especially out of control so they won’t take it personally. Best of all, they can support you. They love you.  They want to help.  Let them.

My friend, M (you’ll remember her as the Menopausal Squirrel), felt pretty good about her health care practitioners. She liked and trusted her gynecologist right up until she began her menopause journey with a plethora of symptoms including hot flashes, mood swings, and insomnia. That’s when things got ugly.

On an office visit, she asked  about remedies and symptom relief. Her gynecologist recommended HRT. M. wasn’t too keen on that idea given the press since the WHI study. “What else can  I do? ” she asked. “Antidepressants” was the answer.  “No other options?” she queried. “There’s nothing else we can do,” she was told.

She walked out of the office and never went back.

Now I’ll be the first to admit that it can’t be pleasant to have a hot, bitchy woman demanding relief and answers in your office when you don’t really know what will help. And I truly understand as a health care practitioner how much you want to offer a definitive answer to such questions. Especially when your local drug rep has just offered you a sheaf of paperwork detailing why this might be a great new use for an old favorite drug.

Still, I gotta think that “I don’t know” might be a better start than “How about an antidepressant?” A fabulous followup might be “I’ll try to find out what other options might be helpful.”

A simple medical professional review session is in order here for all healthcare professionals involved in the care of menopausal women. And all menopausal goddesses are invited to read along to learn how to frame some of their questions in discussions about symptom relief or management.
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Review Statement # 1:   There is no silver bullet.
This is a phrase often used in health care circles to mean that there is no single drug, therapy, or regimen that will eradicate, alleviate, or cure any given syndrome or set of symptoms.

(It is well known that health professionals speak their own language – not sure where the silver bullet metaphor came from unless it was referring to the single thing that can kill a werewolf. While we may feel like we change as much as these lupine creatures during menopause, there really is no silver bullet for us.)

Review Statement # 2    All treatments have adverse or side effects.
Duh! And antidepressants have some whoppers!

Review Statement # 3    All Patients Are Individual
You wouldn’t think that this would even need saying. I heard it over and over again in nursing school. Still…………..

Review Statement # 4    Choose the least interventional option first for any symptom or disease state.
Okay, fans, moisture wicking clothing, natural progesterone cream, and go up from there. Need I say more?  To suggest that HRT or antidepressants are the first or second or only answers goes contrary to this very basic rule. Never try to shoot a fly with an elephant gun.  At least not until it goes rogue.

Review Statement # 5    Conduct a Risk-Benefit Analysis before prescribing treatment.
Take into account severity of symptoms, prognosis, and medical history versus possible benefits minus adverse effects or danger of future medical problems. In other words, examine the risks and potential benefits for each individual patient together with that patient. The operative word being Together.

Are antidepressants bad?  Or wrong? Heck, no. If one is suffering from depression that interferes significantly with daily living, these drugs can literally be lifesavers. This type of clinical depression is an indication that the benefits might outweigh the not inconsiderable risks. Should they be a first line for hot flash relief? Absolutely and unequivocally NO. The risk-benefit teeter totter will be weighted the other way.

Review Statement # 6    Involve the Patient In His/Her Own Healthcare
Duh again. Yes, it’s inconvenient. Yes, it will likely take longer. And the outcome will likely be far more satisfying for all concerned.

To be fair, I can’t tell you how many physicians over the years have told me that their patients don’t want to be that involved in care decisions; they just want to be told what to do. It’s possible we consumers have been at fault by not communicating our desire for involvement or by being too compliant or passive.

We need to prove them wrong and take an active role in symptom relief and control. Empower yourself, ask questions, seek information and move ahead as a full fledged participant in your own Menopause journey.

What did M do when she left her MD’s office? She shopped around., albeit hot flashing, grumbling, and sleep deprived.

She found an integrative wellness clinic that offered wellness counseling including dietary solutions and bioidentical hormones. Options were offered only after extensive testing for her hormone status, including thyroid as well as cortisol, estrogen and progesterone levels. She’s feeling 100% better. Especially since she is now in partnership with her healthcare provider/s.

Want to learn more about your own options? Check out Women In Balance, a non-profit organization dedicated to educating women about their health and wellness options.

I’m not from the South. I have no roots or ancestral connections there, although my Mom and Dad retired to Alabama’s Gulf Coast some years ago. But I LOVE Southern women.

I love the steel magnolia- tell it like it is in such a genteel tone that you may not get it til later- way of communicating. And I especially love Southern women’s humor.

My latest fave is Shellie Rushing Tomlinson, who does “On The Porch” chats about All Things Southern.

And here is one she did on a topic near and not so dear to our hearts: Hot Flashes.

Forward it to your menopause goddess sisters, and especially to all the men who will benefit greatly from her wisdom and understanding of how to deal with the Change.

All my life I’ve been a decisive person. I would scan the options, briefly weigh pros vs cons, and come to a plan of action. And okay, occasionally I made snap decisions and was a tad impulsive. Regardless, I rarely looked back once I set upon a course whether the choice before me was as simple as buying a pair of shoes or as complex as changing jobs.

Let me amend my previous statement. All my life B.P. (Before the Pause) I was a decisive person. Now, A.P. (After the Pause) I dither.

I don’t mean that I simply procrastinate. I have healthy respect for procrastination. It can help you avoid decisions that should not be made in haste. Some things actually take care of themselves if you just procrastinate a little negating the need for a decision. I believe fervently in appropriate procrastination.

No. What I mean is that now I dither. I vacillate, I waver, I waffle. I falter, I dilly dally, I dawdle. I swing back and forth. I fluctuate, oscillate, and hesitate. I temporize. And yes, I PAUSE.

How is this different from procrastination? When I dither, I ruminate endlessly about a decision, whether as simple as what to pack for our upcoming camping trip to as important as whether to attend my professional conference in a few weeks. (The professional conference that I’m referring to I have known about since last November.) I cannot settle and I cannot stop THINKING about what I might do.

To make matters worse, I enlist others in my dithering. “What should I do?” I ask my husband. “I can’t decide,” I tell my girlfriends. I have to give them all points for unending patience.

At one time in my life (yes, that would be the B.P. period), people who dithered drove me crazy. “Jeez, just get off the fence,” I’d think to myself. “Do SOMETHING even if it’s wrong!”

I’d invariably get sucked in to trying to help them make a decision, which was a slow train to nowhere and eventually I’d lose both patience and interest. My irritation would show on my face and in my voice. The ditherers learned to give me a wide berth.

And now, they all have the last laugh. Because I have joined their ranks. And yes, I drive myself bonkers now. I’m going to have to find a workaround for this. Please let me know if you goddesses have any ideas for dither interruption before I do actually go “street rat crazy”.

Oh, and that professional conference? I’m going. The nickel came up heads.

My feelings about long plane rides have transformed since the Big M. I now LOVE to climb inside that metal tube and hunker down in my seat blissfully unavailable by phone, tweets, facebookings, email, or solicitors. I’ve even compared these rides to taking bubble baths – Calgon, take me away. (See blog entry of 6/21/08 "A Bubble Bath at 30,000 Feet).

What’s even better than a bubble bath, however, is a bubble bath and a good book. And Goddess-in Training (meaning perimenopausal) Diane Mierzwik’s new book, Weekly Affirmations for Pre-Menopausal Women was the best part of my latest stratospheric bubble bath.

She writes with humor and grace about the changes that afflict us all as we age and travel down the pathway toward menopause and midlife. She chronicles 52 weeks, from New Year to New Year, where her wry and funny observations culminate in an affirmation for each week. Her quirky illustrations complement each entry.

These are not affirmations that place unreal expectations for sainthood upon us or make us feel guilty for being, well, us. Instead, she gives us focus points toward acceptance of where we are and small nudges to who we might wish to become.

Here’s an excerpt to tempt you:
"Week 13
They say the best, given enough time, will rise to the top. So, I’m not sure why cellulite has such a bad rap.

Twenty years ago, I had smooth supple skin. I had "fat in all the right places." But, did I enjoy it? No, I obsessed with the extra two inches around my waist, the dimples in my bicep areas, the baby roll on my tummy. What I wouldn’t give for that body today, except diet and exercise, you know, sacrifice. The memory of that body is like an egg ready to hatch or explode into an extra 30 pounds around my midriff.

I imagine twenty years from now I will look back on my middle aged body and wish my days away for it like I wish I hadn’t eaten that cookie, but it smelt and tasted so good at the time.

This week, as the weather warms and the malls hang swim suits in the windows, I will love and appreciate the body I have today, cellulite and all, so twenty years from now I will not kick myself for not appreciating the beauty I had when I had it."

This is a must read for any woman confronting the Changes. My only complaint? The other passengers turning to stare at me when I erupted into laughter as I read all 52 weeks in a single sitting. But hey, they didn’t know that they were joining me in m bubble bath, so they’re forgiven.

Buy the book at Amazon. For more humor and heart, visit Diane’s blog at weeklyaffirmations.com.

Once we’ve passed the hurdle of Changeophobia, we head down the tract to the next one. Before we even have time to congratulate ourselves on our flexibilty, up looms New Learning.

I had always thought of myself as a curious, interested, open kind of person. I liked learning – just about anything. Of course, that was when I had unlimited time left on this planet and seemingly unlimited energy to sample all its wares. The Big M brought those misconceptions to a screeching halt.

Like all the Venuses, I’m growing into the woman I want to be. And , alas, growing means having to learn new things. Because of finite time left, and less energy than in my youth, these new things must now pass the pros and cons of worthiness. Are they useful? HOW useful? Do they take up too much time for too little return? Are they fun? (Yep, fun has to figure in there somewhere. Living my second childhood demands a fun factor.) Do they offer anything of value to me? To others? Are they a distraction that gets me off track, off the Prime Directive of my life so to speak?

My Prime Directive is to boldly go where no menopausal goddess has gone before, in the company of other menopausal goddesses, sharing humor, heart, and help. Creating community and support for a transition that no one should travel alone.

With equal amounts terror and titillation, I ventured into the social networking world. (Thanks, Jonathan!) I was uncertain whether this would be helpful and useful to me and my sister goddesses or whether I’d be overwhelmed and lost. The first day was purely frightening as my inbox filled to bursting. "What have I done?" I thought bleakly. And then dear Sharon Venus inadvertantly came to my rescue with a short note declaring, "Seriously afraid of Facebook. Help." I laughed out loud at my own thoughts being voiced so perfectly. And then I knew how we’d get through it.

Together. That’s how we’ve handled the menopause transition. After the Big M, we ought to be able to handle a little hurdle like social networking. Sharon Venus and I talked on the phone, shared our fears and hopes, and made a plan to move ahead. (We also have become virtual office mates, since working at home means there’s no one in the next cubicle to help or push when needed. We’ve created virtual cubicles.)

This is how I’ve come to be all a Twitter, synced in on Linked in, and face forward on Facebook. I’ve seen the use in the social networking craze and how it can support the Prime Directive. I can now "tweet" a good link or quick tip for menopause goddesses from my freaking cell phone. I can join or create groups where menopause info can be shared, and hopefully share resources with more women. Sure the learning curve is steep at times, but I’m not afraid to "tweet" for help. Through cross-platform cross pollination, there’ll be more women sharing wisdom about Menopause.

Speaking of help, please fill out the quick survey I developed to get info on revamping this website. Click Here to take survey to help me make this site better.

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Menopause goddess Theresa Venus turned me on to this hilarious Jack In The Box commercial. When consciousness about The Big M invades prime time, commercials, AND fast food? America is paying attention! Yep, we are finally going to be talking about it. And laughing, weeping, and bitching. Take a look.