Men and Women Are Not Equal
I’m not talking about equal rights or equal pay, although those issues are still not completely resolved. The Venuses grew up during and after the women’s movement, fully expecting to work outside the home and to share childrearing and homemaking responsibilities with their mates. Somehow it never worked out the 50-50 way we envisioned it.

While most of us did work or pursue careers, we also did the majority of the shopping, cooking, laundry, and other housework. Generally, the bulk of the childcare seemed to fall to us women. There are likely a multitude of reasons for this phenomenon, such as patterning after our mothers, loose boundaries, and caretaking addictions. However, the biggest reason might be simply our wiring differences. Women notice and think globally – that is we are aware of multiple inputs in the environment. We naturally process all these inputs at once and multitask accordingly.

Men have much greater powers of concentration, focusing on a task at hand while filtering out input unrelated to said task. Which is why the toddler can be putting oatmeal in the VCR right next to a man while he is on the computer, and he won’t notice it. This focus can be and is a gift. It is useful, even desirable in many situations. However, overall house management and simultaneous childcare are not among them.

Genelle is one of our satellite Venuses. She hasn’t been able to attend a meeting yet, but she offers juicy insights on a regular basis. She told us how the global awareness of women came into direct contact with the more focused concentration of men in her own household one evening. She had just finished the dinner dishes and making snacks for movie night at home. Laden with blankets, a bowl of popcorn, and the movie they were to watch, she asked her husband as she moved from kitchen to living room, “Could you put away the butter, grab the cat, and bring the salt?” In all seriousness, he replied, “Well, I can’t do EVERYTHING.” “What?” was her only rejoinder, as she gaped at him in astonishment.

Fortuitously the movie they watched that night was “March of the Penguins”. Genelle claims that it hit her like a bolt from the blue that the male penguin was a perfect analog to the male human. He was able to perform only one task in preparing for his offspring. He could only sit on the egg. The female had several chores, but the male had one all-consuming and important task – sitting on the egg. She turned to her husband excitedly. “I get it, honey. It’s all about the egg.” Her husband looked at her quizzically. “It’s all about the single-pointed attention and focus on the task at hand that makes men so good at what they do. And so pitiful at what women do.”

Genelle summarizes her epiphany about men and their singlemindedness.

“Men are very simple creatures. What you see is what you
get. It’s not their fault, but they can only do one friggin’
thing at a time. They can’t cook while paying bills, nursing
the baby, and answer the phone. They block out everything
but the task they are doing. It’s not a fault, it’s a flaw.”

Don’t get us wrong here. We aren’t proclaiming the superiority of one sex over another. Men aren’t worse or better than women, just different. Men actually can do more than one thing at a time. They are capable of tremendous multitasking when it is related to a single focused goal, such as work or career. The ability to block out excess stimuli makes them less distractable and more on target. Women are not as skilled at filtering and have an expanded awareness of nearly everything in the environment – great for some endeavors and not for others.

Although this may be a bit of an oversimplification, it is nonetheless true that men and women are wired differently. A man’s brain is actually anatomically different than a woman’s. A “bridge” called by the fancy name of corpus callosum connects the right hemisphere of the brain to the left in all humans. In men, that bridge is much smaller than in women. This is believed to be why women are less focused, more global thinkers. The linear left brain is better linked with the more intuitive, emotional right brain in women. Even though I am a nurse, I never understood until recently the full ramifications of this physical difference. It seemed like a quirky bit of medical trivia, rather than a physiological basis for the sexes seeming like different species to one another.

This linkage between brain hemispheres may be related to the greater emotionality of women, as well. For most of us, it was a revelation that men’s emotional lives seemed so much less intense than ours. We thought they just weren’t good at expressing their feelings, but perhaps their feelings were not as paramount in their everyday lives as ours.

Jane-Venus wished she’d known this little detail much sooner. She sees it this way:
“Men are incapable of the same thought processes and
depths of emotions that women have, so we shouldn’t
have expectations of them to be like our girlfriends.”

If we’d only known earlier that men were so very different than we are, it could have saved us so much frustration, hurt, and confusion. If there were one thing we’d like to pass on to our sisters and daughters, it would be this. Men are nothing like us. And no amount of wishful thinking, classes, or therapy will wire them in a similar fashion to us.

We desperately wish we’d known sooner how different men are from women. We wish we’d known our separate gifts, without judgment or anger. But it’s not too late for understanding to grow.

Armed with this knowledge, we might embark on a new voyage of discovery with the men in our lives, based on our differences and how they blend together rather than basing everything on our own inner experience. And our men might be well served to do the same.

(Material partially adapted from my book “The Big M”. Click on the link below to buy the book – proceeds help support this website – thanks for your support!)

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Sigh. No matter how old we are, it seems that men are a hot topic whenever women gab, talk, or converse. The main reason for our preoccupation with the male animal? They are not like us. At all. They don’t think like we do. They don’t notice their environment or relate the way women do. Their emotional life is less visible (and it seems to us, a lot simpler.) They really are a horse of a different color.

The differences between men and women continue to surprise us, even though we know better. Or at least we ought to by now. So we’re sharing what we’ve learned with you, our goddesses in training, in the hopes that you won’t beat your head against that proverbial wall nearly as long as we all have. We have the bumps and bruises to prove it.

If we’d only known sooner that men are simply wired differently, we might not have suffered so much angst nor worked so hard to change them. Believing men were anything like us was a losing proposition from the get-go. We cannot stress this enough!

Jane-Venus summed it up:

“Men just don’t think like we do. They can be
great friends, lovers, and amusements, but they are not like
us. Even men with strong feminine sides are still MEN and
their brains are just different. You are not going to change
them. They are who they are and eons of evolving haven’t
changed them, so how can we?”

The Venuses believe that if we’d known sooner that men were actually a different species of being, we might have been able to accept them for what they are instead of trying to turn an otter into a zebra. The amount of energy we have expended on this unattainable and unrealistic goal could move mountains. Or solve the energy crisis. Or both.

Some of the differences are striking when we notice them in day-to-day life. We’ll let you in on a few that would have been invaluable to know about sooner. Although it’s never too late to start learning what makes men tick.

Men Are The Weaker Sex
Ask any midlife woman whether men or women are the stronger gender and she will answer unequivocally “Women”. Men are physically stronger, but less resilient in the face of long term adversity, emotional upheaval, and physical illness. Perhaps it is their wiring; perhaps it is due to their identity as the stronger sex, but whatever the reason, men just don’t handle extended life crises all that well. Particularly when there is nothing you can actually DO to fix it.

Women are used to weathering storms in their own bodies. Monthly menses, pregnancy, childbirth, and menopause remind us continually that we are not in control. Men aren’t subject to these reminders so problems that are not immediately amenable to action just turn them inside out and upside down. They are geared for action and as every woman can attest, some of life’s difficulties just have to run their course. You can’t do anything about them.

Alas, when we are in the midst of a storm that we need to ride out, the men in our life become part of the problem. If they aren’t able to DO something about it, then they start freaking out. Unable to simply BE with the crise du jour, they become little dust devils of ineffectual activity. Before we know it, we are taking care of the storm and we are taking care of them, too.

Which leads us to another thing we wished we’d known about men: We aren’t true equals. That’s a big enough topic that we’ll cover it in the next blog entry. For now, just focus on the fact that men are not like us – and they never will be. Ever. No matter what. If you can be okay with this fact; relax into it and be present with it without needing to change it; your relationships with males will be greatly enhanced. And life will be so much happier. We guarantee it.
(Material partially adapted from my book “The Big M”. Click on the link below to buy the book – proceeds help support this website – thanks for your support!)

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Here’s another flashback of “learning” we Menopause Goddesses wish to share with our daughters and younger sisters. Looking in that rear view mirror lends a clarity sometimes that brings everything into sharp focus and makes us wonder how we could have missed the obvious back then. I have a sense that the generations following us have some of this down already, but it doesn’t hurt to reiterate it, just in case.

Friends Are More Important Than You Think
Looking back, the Venuses wished they’d known sooner how beautiful, fragile, and important friendship would be in their lives. While a couple of us always had very close female friends, many felt they missed out on the true joys of friendship in the early years.

One of the possible reasons for this youthful missing out had to do with seeing other women as competitors rather than companions on a similar journey. Courtney-Venus described this sense in her own words.

“I didn’t really trust my women friends. I was completely
self sufficient and didn’t need anyone. I had friends and
enjoyed them but was too distrustful to appreciate the
give and take of friendship.”

Claire-Venus voiced her feelings thus:
“Friends were for partying together and keeping each
other company. Friendships were not as important as significant
other relationships, although you could be more
of yourself with friends. Friendships could be sacrificed
to a sexual whim or to a lover who wanted you to himself.”

Too many of us experienced the lack of close friends in our twenties and thirties. We didn’t know what we were missing until much later.

What we wished we’d known much sooner was that friendships, especially with other women, would be the sustenance for our hearts and souls. We wished that we’d known how monochromatic and unfulfilling a life without intimate female friendships could seem. That these connections were so profoundly important to us came as a bigger revelation than the one that men are wired differently than women. It surely made as powerful an impact on who we are.

Looking at friendship now, the Venuses find it hard to fathom how we could have deprived ourselves of this most necessary part of life. We can no longer imagine spending our days without the succor and support of our sisters. We are grateful every day for the presence and love of our girlfriends.

Beej-Venus celebrates friendship in her own words:

“Friendships are what enriches life beyond all else. Without
friendships, very little spiritual and emotional growth
would be possible. Friendships require energy, the kind
of energy that begets energy, and the more that you put
into them, the more expanded life becomes. At this age,
being emotionally honest, supporting one another, and
sharing soul to soul is HUGE. The women in my life are
my greatest blessing!”

Once we let them in, friends become a constant in our life’s journey. We find that we cherish our girlfriends as sisters of the heart. Jane-Venus continues on the unchanging nature of friendship:

“I now know that friends are our most precious possessions.
They have helped to shape who we are and where we are
going. Friendship should evolve and change, however what
made you friends in the beginning is still there at the core.”

Courtney-Venus likens friends to our chosen family:

“Friends are the people you select. Good friends tell you
what you need to hear, not what you want to hear. I am at
an age where I appreciate the great friends I have.
I understand they aren’t perfect and I don’t have to be either.
We can really be ourselves and accept each other.”

Give And Take
True friendship requires investment and caring. We need our friends and must take time to nurture and grow our relationships.

In my twenties, I lost a dear friend because I didn’t nurture the relationship when it was most important. I was going through a painful, protracted divorce and completely lost in my own difficulties. My friend was diagnosed with uterine cancer and called to tell me. I will always regret that I did not travel to her side and lend my support. Even though she had her family and husband, there is simply no substitute for a girlfriend when you are in need. She survived, but the friendship didn’t.

I learned a painful lesson, one which I hope has made me a better friend to my current intimates. A friend has to give back, even when she is in crisis herself. It’s never only about me.”

Carol Ann-Venus expands on this:
“It (friendship) is such a gift. Never take it for granted.
Nourish it. Most important, be the friend you want to
have.”

Friends For A Season
The Venuses have all lost friends along the way. We wish we’d known earlier that this is normal and natural. We may not keep all friends forever. Some relationships may fall away after time, for reasons known and unknown. It seems that there are seasons to certain friendships, and though we may grieve,we now understand that no fault exists when we don’t remain close to a particular friend forever. We keep the memory of what was best in that friendship or take the lessons we learned to enrich our subsequent relationships. What never changes, once we acknowledge its centrality to our lives, is our need for intimate female connection.

Bobbi-Venus underscores this simply:

“My friendships are one of the most important things in my
life and I do my best to nurture them. My friends are those
I trust with my journey, my struggles, my joys, my discoveries,
and wisdom, my failures and pain. Friendships are sacred. Friends
are honest and supportive, nurturing to thesoul, accepting of our love,
and there for us when we need
them most.

Basically, I’d die without my girlfriends!”

That just about says it all.

(Some material adapted from the chronicle of the Venuses’ adventures “The Big M”.) Visit www.thebigmwebsite to purchase or to download Chapter One for free or click the link below.

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