Category — Menopause & Emotion

Early in perimenopause, I was complaining to Lei-Venus that I was feeling heat crest in waves over me, but even more upsetting to me was the change in my sleep patterns. Having always slept soundly, I was now waking every hour or two and experiencing nights of restless, broken sleep. Without a word, Lei grabbed me by the hand and pulled me bodily down the street to the health food store. She plunked a jar of Natural Woman progesterone cream in my hand, declaring "Buy this now – it may take up to two weeks to help, but you’ll be a new woman." I felt the difference in two days. After a week, I was sleeping through the night again.

In the beginning of perimenopause, progesterone levels drop which can begin the annoying symptoms of hot flashes, insomnia, and mood swings. Natural progesterone cream is a good first step and may be all you need to weather the storm of symptoms. I can report that it was a godsend for some of us goddesses during this transition – and, sad to say, didn’t work much for others. Remember rule # 2 from March 28 blog entry on "Choosing The Right Menopause Remedy For You"? What Works for One Venus May Not Work For Another. You’ll have to try it and monitor your own response to see if it helps you.

Emerita’s Pro-Gest (www.emerita.com), and Natural Woman (www.prodnature.com) are the Venus group’s favorite natural progesterone creams but there are others on the market. A cautionary note: Mexican wild yam cream is not as effective as natural progesterone cream, as it is a precursor to the hormone and not in a usable form for our bodies.

Dong Quai, Burdock Root, Red Clover, Black Cohosh, Evening Primrose Oil, Cod Liver Oil
Studies show that women in Japan and China have much lower incidence of PMS or menopausal symptoms than do Americans. This could be due to DNA, but also could result from the facts that the usual Japanese diet is high in soy and dong quai is taken by many Chinese women from the time they are young.

Black cohosh, primrose oil, red clover, and burdock root are also time-honored remedies for menopausal symptoms. Blog reader Jacqueline has alerted us to cod liver oil as a remedy (Many thanks, J!) She recommends lemon flavor to overcome those nasty childhood memories of fish oil.

However, side effects do exist for these remedies and some women cannot tolerate these herbs. Natural does not necessarily mean completely harmless. Black cohosh and dong quai have been associated with high blood pressure in some women. Cod liver oil has been known to raise blood sugar and cholesterol, although it appears to be a dose dependant effect. It is also very important to assess whether there might be potential interactions with other medications that you are taking, before you take ANY supplements.

There are plenty of products that contain more than one of these herbs, however many also contain soy so read the labels if you are soy sensitive. (We"ll focus on soy next blog entry, since that’s a longer story.) Emerita makes a popular multiherbal supplement that contains no soy called "Menopause Plus Formula" (www. emerita.com). Remifemin is a popular black cohosh remedy. (www.remifemin.com) Both are sold in health food stores and many grocery stores as well.

Whatever remedies you choose, go slowly. Try one at a time and allow it sufficient time to work. Run all your choices by your trusted health care partner. Good luck and happy herbals to all goddesses in search of cooler days, restful nights, and emotional balance!

In wading through the sea of choices for menopause relief, we have just a couple more guidelines for all our goddess sisters to keep in mind. Remember to check in with your health care practitioners and your girlfriends for solutions, but monitor your own individual response. You are the only real expert on your body and your menopause process – in other words, you’re in charge of your own treatment. Yeah, we know it sucks. Right now, we’d really just like someone else to make it all better, because we’re hot, we can’t think, and our emotions are causing us more ups and downs than the stock market. But turning over responsibility for our bodies is a slippery slope to possible unnecessary hysterectomy and/or hormone therapy. Remember, we are essentially in uncharted waters here. Okay, on with the continuation of our guidelines.

#4 Beware of Panaceas or Silver Bullets
Any remedy that claims to be the magical solution for menopause is simply another piece in the baffling puzzle of menopause treatment. In medical jargon,we health professionals often declare that there is "no silver bullet" for a given syndrome or disease entity. In saying that, we mean that there is no one answer or therapy that will work on a complicated, multifactorial condition. When any source claims that they have the definitive solution to the sufferings of menopausal women, they are simply full of bunk. All women are different and each of us has our own unique version of menopause. Answers? Heck, we’re still discovering the questions!

#5 Herbs Are Drugs Too
Our first drugs came from plants. Herbs are drugs too, with side effects, potential for overdosage, and interaction with anything else you are taking. You MUST research all medications and herbal supplements carefully and inform your health care practitioner/partner about every little thing that you are ingesting. Otherwise, you may be playing with fire, instead of quenching it.

#6 This Too Shall Pass
This may be the most important rule of all. Remember this one when the roller coaster ride seems like one long horrifying descent. As debilitating and disconcerting as all the changes may be, they will ease at some point. Sure part of our metamorphosis is permanent. We won’t be having periods again. (Except for an 80 year old woman we know, who was prescribed HRT, which actually caused her to experience an artificial period each month – how crazy is that!?!) Aging is not reversible, though we can soften the blow somewhat. Eventually the various physical, emotional, and mental manifestations DO reach an equilibrium that we can live with.
(adapted from our upcoming book "Venus Comes of Age")

Menopause is not a disease (although it darn sure feels like one to those of us suffering through it.) It’s a normal, albeit intense, transition. It is important for us to keep reminding ourselves of this when searching for relief. Confronted with myriad treatment options, we need to be able to CHOOSE the most effective remedies with the least potential for harm. Here are a few "rules" we Venuses recommend to help guide your choices.

Rules and Guidelines
#1 Try One Remedy at A Time
While this may seem like common sense, I cannot tell you how many knowledgeable, intelligent, and perceptive women avail themselves of several herbs, creams, and treatments at the same time to relieve their discomfort. While we menopausal women understand the desperation of a search for relief, this throw-everything-but-the kitchen-sink-at-it method obscures what really will work. Or won’t.

Try one remedy and give it enough time to work – most menopause preparations are labeled with how long you can expect to wait for symptom relief. If after the appropriate time period nothing happens, you may switch to another remedy or add one that is meant to work with the first. (for example, start with progesterone cream and later add plant estrogens – more about those later.)

#2 What Works for One Venus May Not Work For Another
Although we are strong proponents of learning about relief and modalities from other women who have experienced the wild changes of this time of life, we understand the uniqueness of each woman’s transition. (Transition used in this case is a euphemism for "barely endurable roller coaster ride".) So as you try remedies and attempt solutions recommended to you by your own Venuses or your health care practitioners, continue to refer back to rule # 1.

#3 What Worked Yesterday May Not Work Tomorrow
Just when you’ve found the perfect balance of creams, supplements, or HRT (Hormone Replacement Therapy) to quiet the hormonal ebbs and flows causing such disruption and discomfort, they stop working. Without warning, you are plunged back to ground zero, searching for an elusive combination of remedies that will ease your suffering. Alas, this will likely happen more than once. Get used to it. We are hoping that if you are prepared for it, it will be easier to take. Maybe not.

Take heart, though. Eventually each Venus found a remedy or combination that worked for us and our symptoms diminished. We found a new balance and health. There was even a little bonus in that we don’t have those pre-menopausal monthly ups and downs anymore. And we don’t miss them one little bit. Stay tuned. We’ll have more guidelines for our sister goddesses in the next blog entry.
(Material partially adapted from our upcoming book "Venus Comes of Age: The Wit and Wisdom of Menopausal Goddesses"

I briefly mentioned Menopausal Tourette’s in the January 15th blog entry "Things Got Hairy, Then They Didn’t." Judging from the comments and mail I received, it would seem that this menopause symptom has afflicted a number of my sister goddesses.

We all have an internal censor that most of the time keeps us from saying stupid, hurtful, or outrageous things in social situations. Sure, we THINK these things all the time – thoughts like "Wearing that color green makes you look like you have hepatitis" or "Is that your wife or your daughter?" or "You are boring the crap out of me right now."

Your "censor" is like a little imaginary person who keeps you from making a total ass of yourself. However you imagine your censor in your mind (mine wears pinstriped suits and sensible shoes), she is responsible for rephrasing inappropriate thoughts into words fit for human consumption. She’s your very own Miss Manners. She also is in charge of helping your facial muscles reflect, if not interest, concern, or delight in the appropriate situations, then at least impassiveness, so that all your thoughts of horror, disgust, or impatience aren’t visible for all the world to see.

Come menopause, however, all bets are off. Something terrible happens to our internal censor. She loses her ability to help us be mannerly, polite, and kind. Clearly, she is hormone dependent and now she is worse than useless. I find myself blurting out inappropriate comments faster than a manic Tourette’s sufferer. And the excuse "oh sorry, it’s just my hormones today" doesn’t cut the mustard.

More than once, in the middle of some endless, circuitous, waste-of-time meeting or appalling display by an acquaintance, Rae-Venus has had to whisper in my ear "Do something with your face – you look disgusted."

Without the help of my censor, I’ve learned to keep my mouth shut longer before responding, nodding sagely in order to make sure I don’t blurt out the first thought that comes to mind. While this has helped in many ways, it also tends to make me look like a middle aged bobber doll. (Material adapted from our upcoming book "Venus Comes of Age: The Wit and Wisdom of Menopausal Goddesses".)

About two years ago, I was confronted by the Menopause symptom that shattered my Pollyanna outlook forever. My hair seemed to be thinning at an alarming rate. There was no consoling me when I saw the amount of hair in my brush or around the shower drain each day. So overwhelming was my anxiety over this development, that upon meeting a high-powered, intelligent female friend of my brother’s for the first time, I forgot my social graces completely. I answered her innocuous question "What did you do today?" with a full-blown Menopausal Tourette’s performance. (we’ll address Menopausal Tourettes at greater length in a later blog entry.) "I went to my hairdresser because I’m losing all my hair," I blurted. "Oh god, me too," she gasped. We began an earnest discussion and continued it via email. Our cyberspace conversation was joined by her sister. Here is an excerpt:

Aug. 14, 2006, at 8:15 AM
Lynette and Barbara,
Hope all is well with you both.
Just saw a segment on hair loss. This is not good! It can be hereditary (Barbara, in our case Aunt Edna is not a good sign!), indicator of medical problems (thyroid), a particular disease, menopause, and 10 other things.
They recommend seeing a dermatologist to find out your particular problem, but the real solutions are injections, plugs, Minoxidil (sp?)….or get a wig.
Jeez.
Janet

Aug. 14, 2006 at 1010 am
"lynette@9points.com" wrote:
Hi Janet (and Barbara)
I did a search on the net re: hair loss – came up with much the same. My hairdresser tells me that ALL her menopausal clients that are not on hormone replacement freak out about their hair loss. It stables out (she says) at a certain point, and then hair starts growing back, but never as thick as it once was. My girlfriend Theresa says that was true for her. I AM going to get my thyroid tested again. Also, estrogen dominance can cause hair loss, so a saliva test to check for estrogen vs progesterone in our bodies is a good thing. I doubt that I have this, since I use a natural progesterone cream and no plant estrogens, herbs, or soy. (all of which are natural estrogen replacements.) If you are using any herbs or eat lots of soy, you might want to have this checked.
Bad news with Minoxidil (aka Rogaine) it apparently does not grow nice normal hair but short little hairs that break off, giving one a peach fuzzy look – okay for balding men, not so great for women. Ugh.

I am using a natural shampoo system that was recommended on some menopause blog. Supposedly takes 2-4 months but will grow strong healthy hair. There’s a weird "thing" DST or something like that, I forget (menopause again). Anyway, this substance is secreted on the scalp as we age and it screws up the hair follicle so it can’t grow. Supposedly, this shampoo system blocks the effect of this substance and voila, hair again. (I found out about the DST one place, and read that it is blocked by the shampoo on their site, so it isn’t something the shampoo folks made up.)

My loss seems to have decreased, no big bunches of hair coming out – it’s just really thin now.

The shampoo system I’m trying is called Curetage – I got it from Curetage.com. So far no real hair growth, but my husband says my hair is looking much better. so we will see. I’ll keep you posted re: results.

Plugs and injections do not sound good to me. Wig likewise. oh well, onward.
Keep in touch.
Lynette

Aug. 14, 2006 at 1253pm
RE: The Mystery of the Disappearing Hair
(A Nancy Drew thriller for menopausal girls)

I have watched with both horror and humor – humor? I think not! Well, horror, then -as my hair washes down the shower drain. It started about three years ago, and just when I think I’ll see no more pink, another batch washes away. I used to have bangs – now I just have one bang. Anyway, I read lots of lit, but outside of the obvious (babushkas), there seems to be not much to do about it.I asked my hairdresser, Pat, what she thought of "hair-in-a-can", but, of course, she pooh-poohed the idea. Sounded good to me.
I’ve started to use Nioxin again. I really think if I continued to use it for the last three years, it might have done the trick. It keeps the gook from clogging your hair shafts.
It does not pretend to grow new hair;I’m not sure anything can do that. I had my thyroid tested in December, and it’s fine. So, I’m going to blame it all on Aunt Edna, and Lynette, you can, too. She’s so nice – she won’t mind.
Well, enough nonsense. I hate the whole thing, including the vanity that I was unwilling to acknowledge that I had. We could each buy a wig (blond, brunette, red head) and trade them around each month? Oh, every man’s dream come true…
Over and out,
Barbara

Stay tuned for Part Three of the Mystery of the Disappearing Hair – coming soon. (Adapted from our upcoming book "Venus Comes of Age, The Wit and Wisdom of Menopausal Goddesses".)

Christmas and Menopause. These two things should not coexist in space and time. Each is overwhelming to midlife goddesses by itself. Together, they can bring us to our creaking knees.

This year, I vowed to myself, would be different. I’d be organized, but not anal-retentive. I’d go easy on the shopping (at first, I was going to make presents all year long – a goal jettisoned around Dec. 1 due to lack of inventory and initiative.) Most of all, I would relax into the Christmas spirit and ENJOY it without getting harried and hurried.

Long story short: didn’t work. Baking went poorly with hot flashes competing with the oven for the high HEAT setting. Christmas letter hasn’t been sent because it has not been written. The little shopping I succumbed to was crazy as ever. Feeling of peace on Earth, goodwill to men? Right now, harder to hold onto than a greased mongoose.

I firmly believe that every menopausal women should have her very own contingent of elves to help her through the Christmas season. We need cookie baking elves, shopping elves, wrapping and decorating elves, and a couple elves just to fan us through this most hectic of holidays. (A blogging elf would be nice, too. As long as we’re dreaming.)

So I’m calling a halt to the frenzy. Seriously! No more faux Martha Stewart. I can BUY cookies if I really want them. I can write a Valentine’s Day letter this year. (Procrastination is a practical modality for menopausal women. Just let it go long enough and maybe it won’t have to be done.) Ix-nay on more shopping or wrapping. Likewise decorating: the tree’s upright and good enough. I’m going to put Slack Key Christmas Carols on the stereo, grab a cup of eggnog, and dive into a good book. Maybe I can celebrate this way for the next ten days. Maybe all menopausal goddesses could do the same. A season without sacrificing ourselves. That would truly be a Christmas miracle.

At the beginning of our menopausal journey, Theresa-Venus observed that mentioning hot flashes or anything related to menopause in mixed company (mixed company meaning ‘us’ and anyone who was not menopausal) was like "farting in public". It seemed that talking about the "Change" was politically incorrect.

Well excuse us, but menopause itself is politically incorrect! We figure that the only way we midlife goddesses are going to manage this transition without completely flipping out is to openly share our thoughts, feelings, symptoms, and remedies. We’re sorry if we make the rest of you uncomfortable; you’ll get used to it eventually. We have.

Those of us who aren’t lucky enough to have their own Venus group yet may be starving for compassionate, caring information. Case in point:

I stopped into Starbucks the other day for my grande pumpkin spice latte and a HUGE maple scone (no it’s not on my diet, but I have to have some pleasure!) Looking around for a place to sit in the crowded coffee shop, a lovely midlife woman caught my eye and waved me over to the seat next to her. We exchanged vital information. Me: summer resident, former nurse, current consultant. Her: East Coast resident, here for conference, city manager. We indulged in these pleasantries for all of two minutes before we jumped into discussing the big M.

She was agonizing over hormone therapy. "I’ve been on it three years and am worried that I should get off them. My doctor isn’t concerned, but I am. Then again, I feel so depressed sometimes, maybe I shouldn’t chance it. Is that normal do you think?"

We discussed bioidenticals vs herbal supplements vs her HRT. We talked about St. John’s Wort as an interim measure for her sadness, though she was immensely heartened to realized that her depression was normal. For the better part of an hour, we shared, laughed, and sighed together.

We didn’t notice if our conversation was "politically incorrect" or if it bothered the rest of the Starbuck’s crowd. (Although we did notice the place was nearly empty when we finished.) We hugged like old friends and like the new sisters that we are. Together and out loud – that’s how we’ll make it through this and out the other side.

Menopause – "Men on Pause" Bill Maher calls it. and while that’s not exactly true – well, it’s not exactly not true.

What I’m talking about here is Sex. I like Sex. A lot. I enjoy it, I adore my husband, sex has health benefits up the kazoo, and so on. But here’s the rub. Though I like it a lot and want to continue doing it as long as I have a skeleton covered by skin, I don’t want to do it as much as I used to. I’m no longer consumed by it.

What I’m saying is – my husband who has always been interested in sex, is even more interested now. And I gotta say, much as I love it, it feels oftentimes like I’m being fed before I have a chance to get hungry.

Add to that my husband’s newfound sensitivity. He wants to do it AND he wants to talk about it, analyze it, improve upon it, compare and contrast it. I need to get some rest!

Which brings us to Sleep vs INSOMNIA
Sleep is big for menopausal goddesses. Sleep is the new sex. We sigh with the unreserved lust previously accorded a nice ass in tight jeans when contemplating 800 thread count sheets, or a new firmer mattress with a pillow top. We used to moan in ecstasy at the thought of well……moaning in ecstasy. Now we catch our breath with desire at the thought of down comforters in silky duvet covers. Or chocolate. Chocolate always comes up when speaking of desire. Make no mistake, we are still interested in going to bed – only now we really want to sleep!
(Adapted from our upcoming book Venus Comes Of Age: The Wit and Wisdom of Menopausal Goddesses.)

Hot flashes have made us into feverish children: hot, cranky, irritable, and just plain pissed off. At some point, however, the worst of the menopausal madness is over. The fevers abate and we find some emotional equilibrium.

Of course now we have earned reputations among our intimates and coworkers. Each of us has a new name: B.I.T.C.H. This doesnt have to be a negative moniker, however. I found a purse-sized notepad the other day that redefines B.I.T.C.H. as Babe In Total Control of Herself. (see photo)

Thats pretty good, but I was thinking that maybe we could aim higher still. My aspiration for the second half of life is to be a Babe In Total Comfort with Herself. I want to be comfortable in my own skin, however baggy and saggy it may be. Im not there yet, but I get closer every day. Id be proud to be known as that kind of a B.I.T.C.H.!

Along with so many weird phenomenon attributed to the Change comes a newfound sensitivity to noise. The simple sound of breathing can be too much, too loud. The football game, the leaf blower, or the stereo are in danger of triggering a psychotic break. Even my favorite music or the mew of a beloved cat can tighten my neck muscles so taut that my shoulders rise up to my ears and my teeth clench tighter than a victim of lockjaw. Most of the menopausal women I know suffer from this malady. Sound is more than an irritant – it’s an invasion.

Perhaps our menopausal hypersensitivity to noise can be likened to that of people who overdevelop one sense when another sense is waning or diminished. We seem to be losing our visual acuity (along with our mind – but that’s another story), but we can hear every freaking sound for miles around. Clock tick, computer hum, bird chatter, cereal crunch, water drip, coffee slurp, page turn, leaf fall, breeze blow, tire whoosh, stomach gurgle, icemaker, fridge motor. It is sensory overload and threatens our sweet dispositions, not to mention our sanity.

I’ve managed this week to wend my way into the back canyons of Zion National Park in Utah, where I can soothe myself with the rhythms and ripples of rosy sandstone. Red rock simply sits there beaming beauty and it does it QUIETLY.

Although we can’t always travel to out of the way places to find quietude, we can find ways to garner solitude and silence in our daily lives: in our garden, taking a walk, or indulging in a warm (not hot) bath. Midlife women crave quiet.
(Adapted from our upcoming book "Venus Comes of Age: The Wit and Wisdom of Menopausal Goddesses".)